Why Is It More Important To Be Trusted Than To Be Loved?

why is it more important to be trusted than to be loved what's going on you guys i'm tyler wandering therapist and i'm excited to be here with you today i've got a few thoughts on my mind we're going to talk a little bit about why it's more important to be trusted in your relationship than to actually be loved which might sound confusing to you and so we're going to get into this and talk about it a little bit this came comes off the heels of having a discussion with one of my men's groups this week this group of men is just a phenomenal group of men who is striving and working to become better more wholehearted in the way that they're living more wholeheartedly that they're approaching their relationships with their wives and this discussion came up this week and i wanted to pass it along to you as well because i think this applies to so many in a similar situation in our relationships most of us get into relationships with the idea that the other person is going to complete us and we then pursue the relationship looking to consume from the other person what we're looking for when in reality they can never actually feel the void that we're trying to feel by pursuing their love and what it does is it causes problems because the pursuit of getting somebody's love or affection or appreciation or their approval often diminishes our ability to stand in strength and to live as men of principle and when we give up our principles it causes unsolid ground or shaky ground in our relationships because the people that we're in relationship with our spouses our wives our partners they actually don't know if we're going to live according to the principles that we profess to live by which feels unsafe it causes a lack of trust in the relationship and so most people would rather be in a relationship where there's trust established than pursuing love and if these things get put in order then love naturally starts to happen because trust when it's established allows for people to be vulnerable in relationships and that vulnerability is what produces connection and love david daya wrote a book called the way of the superior man he talks about this concept in terms of masculinity and how we can show up in a masculine way that's healthy in our relationships in being able to tolerate and handle a little bit of healthy conflict in a relationship and he gives this example that if you have a man who is getting ready to go off to war he's part of the military and he's getting ready to go get on the boat and his girlfriend is there with him and she turns to and she says please don't go to war i'd rather just run away with you let's run away together let's get married and let's have a life together he's in a tough situation because he has signed up to be in the military and to serve his country and to be a man of honor and he's got a duty to go perform at the same time that he desperately loves this woman and he wants to be with her and he wants to keep her happy if he chooses to stay and he doesn't go perform the duty that he had signed himself up for she will eventually begin to resent him and not trust that he's a man of principle and she'll see him as weak and as small and she won't really be attracted to him in the long run because that lack of principle is in play whereas if he were to go get on the boat she might be really upset she might throw a fit she might cry she might say she's breaking up with him which could be a possibility but in the long run she's going to walk away knowing in the back of her brain that she's got a relationship with a man who is willing to stand by his principles and if she knows that he's willing to stand by his principles the only thing that now needs to be put in play is understanding that some of his principles include the kinds of principles that she wants to be in a relationship with namely those principles of honesty transparency fidelity empathy if we're choosing true principles to live by and we're standing by those principles even when the person that we're loving might want us to give in on those things we're actually providing a secure and firm foundation for them to be able to trust that we're going to show up the way that we said we'd show up in our relationships and this causes us to have confidence in ourselves and that confidence provides energy that then spills into the relationship where now i'm offering strength i'm offering myself to the relationship instead of pursuing the relationship in an effort to take from the other person and when both people are pursuing healthy principles of living in their lives they come into a relationship where they're now both giving and that giving loop continues to happen because they're both coming from a place of security and confidence and integrity in living the lives that they were designed to live so i want to give you guys a challenge today to think about this if you've got a significant other right now is there a particular thing that you can't seem to stand that they do that causes you to feel like you're not good enough maybe it's a look they give you maybe it's a criticism they give you maybe it's a certain topic that you guys have a discussion over that you feel very passionately about but that you often cave in on because you're afraid of their response can you test yourself by trying to find what those principles are that need to be held and then can you meet your partner with empathy and understanding at the same time that you hold true to that principle i'll give you an example something that's going on in my life right now i've just recently in the last few years started to pick up hunting and my wife doesn't really like hunting she she doesn't like the idea of killing something she doesn't like the idea that it's going to take more time away from home and she's got some valid points in the sense that there's no need to senselessly kill something and there's also a risk that i could overdo it and then have it cut into my time at home with the kids or with her or put in some of that energy in other places that could be really valuable on the other side of this hunting has become something that causes me to feel alive when i get out in nature i feel passionate about i feel connected to god i get in touch with myself i'm more creative i my heart comes to life and i actually come home from a hunting trip in a much better place in terms of my full masculinity my full energy to give to those places that are important like my work and my family and my marriage and in essence i have to go fuel myself in some way in this case it's hunting even though my wife might not totally approve of it so when we have a discussion i can listen to her with empathy and say i understand where you're coming from i get that you wouldn't want to go kill something i get that you don't see the benefit of spending three days in the freezing cold in a tent in the rain and that's fine she doesn't have to get it as long as she also understands why it's so valuable to me and as long as i'm able to still set the boundary to say i i'm going to obviously temper it but i'm going to be going hunting from time to time because that's the way that i connect to my heart that's the way that i'm going to allow myself to be the kind of man that ultimately you want me to be and that i want to be for you so think about those things in your own life is there some place where you need to maybe make sure you've got the true principles in place but set some boundaries and be able to tolerate a little bit of pushback from someone that you love helping them understand why it's important that you're able to keep your integrity so that you can be the kind of partner that they want to be with good luck to you guys have a good day thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like and subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question i'd be happy to answer it for you [Music] you