What does it mean to have integrity? Having the ability to keep your shape when under stress. Learn from Tyler on how you can take pride in being honest with your fellow man and in your own marriage. Are you showing up in your relationships when you tell your partner you are going to do something?
What Does it Mean to Have Integrity?
Most of us have our own idea of what it means to have integrity or at least a general idea of the definition. When we think about integrity, as it relates to people we know, the words honest, respectable, good character, and ethical come to mind.
Generally speaking, most of us would define integrity as simply being honest. Likewise, we consider integrity as a willingness to follow through on whatever it is we say we will do. In essence, it’s a straightforward way of living.
Growing up, my father taught me his definition of integrity. He said, “Integrity is being a person who does the right thing, even when nobody’s looking.”
Those are great definitions—but is there more to integrity, especially as it applies to relationships?
Integrity Discussed During Therapy Session
During a recent group therapy session, living with integrity within marriage came up. As we discussed the topic, one man gave the following example.
The man remarked that his wife said he has not shown up with integrity during their whole marriage, which spanned several years. He strongly objected because of his efforts in living with honesty and following a strong moral code. As a Christian man, being honest with his fellow man was of great importance to him. In his mind, he had always shown integrity.
In the course of the discussion, the group subsequently came up with a new definition of integrity. It was an expanded version that focused on relationships. The group’s definition was the ability to keep your shape under stress.
A Better Definition of Integrity
So then, with this better definition, what does keeping your “shape” mean in the context of integrity in relationships?
First of all, the definition of shape is “the external form, contours, or outline of someone or something.” A shape is a distinct form—something definite.
If you are in the “shape” of integrity during stress, you embody honesty, continually representing your values, no matter the situation.
Going back to our group discussion, the new definition struck a chord within the man sharing his wife’s feelings about his integrity. He then realized he hadn’t been completely showing up as himself. As a result of his desire to avoid conflict in his marriage, he betrayed his values and true self.
For this reason, his wife had gotten a sense there was no strength, no integrity. His lack of keeping “shape” inside the relationship caused her to feel he had not shown up with integrity.
Do You Show Up with Integrity?
With this in mind, ask yourself—do you show up with integrity in your relationships? Or are you out of “shape,” having lost your distinct, definite form of integrity?
For example, when deciding where to go to dinner with friends, are you the one who replies, “I don’t care. Let’s go wherever.” Are you being authentic in this expression of non-opinion—or do you have an opinion, but to be nice, you keep it to yourself?
Can you relate?
How Does this Relate to Being in a Relationship?
Having an opinion different from your partner may create a little bit of tension inside the relationship—but that’s okay. Discuss your differing thoughts and opinions.
You can roll over and not have an opinion, just to avoid tension and conflict—but in reality, it may not feel honest to your partner. Most people would rather have a little tension than to always get their way.
Often, people go along to avoid conflict, saying they’re doing it for the benefit of the other person. In reality, they do it because they don’t know who they are themselves and can’t stand on their own two feet—they can’t keep their shape when there is tension.
Putting it All Together
Let’s put this better definition of integrity together. Instead of not having an opinion to avoid tension—passing it off as being nice—try standing on your own two feet. Share your thoughts, feelings, and values.
Shape up! Being authentic aids in healing broken marriages and relationships. Use this information to assess where you are and learn how to have strength inside your relationship
What’s Your Next Step?
So, ask yourself, can you keep your shape in stressful situations? Can you keep your morals and values intact under stress? Can you live with integrity in the midst of tension and conflict?
If you are that nice person who can’t handle the tension in stress, think about that word “integrity.” Let it be your guide. If you need help getting started, contact Tyler, The Wandering Therapist for a Free 15-minute Consultation Call.
Wanting a little more? Contact Love-Strong for information about couples therapy at their Northern Utah location. Online counseling sessions are also available for those in or out of the Cache Valley Utah area.
What Does it Mean to Have Integrity?
What's going on you guys? Today we're going to talk a little bit about integrity and maybe add a little bit to the definition, that maybe we typically think of with Integrity, as it relates to being in a relationship and how we show up.
This question comes from something that happened in my groups this week. The topic of living with Integrity inside of your marriage came up. And I was just thinking about what Integrity really means. And most of us, I think, would define integrity as being honest. Most of us would define integrity as being willing to follow through on whatever it is that we say will do. That kind of straightforward way of living—that's integrity. And I think that's a great definition.
I remember when I was a young man my father told me the definition. His definition of integrity was being a person who does the right thing even when nobody's looking. And I think that's a great definition of integrity. But as we were talking in our groups, there was an example that came up where a man was saying that his wife has been saying that he hasn't showed up with integrity for their whole marriage, over several years. And he took exception to that because he takes such pride in being honest and living this moral code. He's a Christian man who believes in being honest in his dealings with his fellow men. And in his mind, he's always showed up with integrity. And we came up with a new definition in our group.
The definition was the ability to keep your shape under stress. And when we came up with that definition, something rang a bell inside of him where he realized that he hasn't been showing up as himself, inside of his relationship, because he's been so afraid of conflict inside his relationship. So, in essence his desire to be nice, his desire to not have conflict, has led to him betraying his values and his true self. And his wife has gotten a sense that there's no strength there. There's no Integrity there. He hasn't been able to keep his shape inside of that relationship and so that's where she's felt that sense of weakness or lack of integrity.
So thinking about that in your own relationships, are you showing up as an authentic person? Do people actually know what you're thinking when you decide to go out to dinner with each other? Are you the person who just says, “I don't care let's go wherever.” Maybe that's true for you, but maybe it'll be okay for you to have an opinion. It would be okay for you to have a little bit of tension inside of your relationship if you have a different opinion about a certain topic and your partner wants to discuss it.
Rolling over and just going along with it for the sake of not having conflict seems to be the nice thing to do. But in reality, it sort of takes out the foundation of the relationship because it doesn't feel honest to the person that you're interacting with. Most people would rather have a little bit of tension inside their relationship and have honesty than to always get their way because there's such a lack of conflict.
The other thing that people do with this is that they'll actually say that they're doing it for the benefit of the other person, when in reality they're often doing it because they don't know who they are. They can't stand on their own two feet, so to speak, and so they pass it off as being the nice person, when in reality they need to learn to actually have some strength inside of their relationship.
So, think about that in your own relationships. If you're that nice person who can't handle the tension in the stress, think about that word integrity. Can you keep your shape under stress? Can you hold your values under stress? Can you keep your morals under stress?
Thank you so much for being here with me. If you found this to be valuable for you, please hit the like and subscribe button. If you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into, please submit a question. I'd be happy to answer it for you
Thank you.