Should I Be Honest Even If It Hurts My Partner’s Feelings

should i be honest even if it hurts my partner's feelings this is an excellent question today we're going to talk about the value and power of honesty even if it means there might be some conflict and why you still might want to pursue it what's going on i'm tyler wandering therapist this is such a good question this is something that often a lot of people ask it's usually in the context of something like your wife coming to you or your husband coming to you and asking usually it's that classic case if your wife comes to you and says do i look fat in this dress and of course no right minded man is going to say sure you look fat in that dress right but what's the cost of not being honest with your spouse even if they come to you with some kind of question like that if you actually believe those things and you're dishonest i want to share with you a little bit of a story something that happened this week with somebody that i really love one of my clients and friends and i think it applies to a lot of our situations most of us are taught that conflict in a relationship is bad to the point that we often actually protect our partners from things that they actually might need to see and if we actually love them we'd be willing to share with them those things even if there's some pain involved so here's the story here's the situation we all had the election earlier this year last year and as a part of the election process this man that i'm working with he decided to vote in a certain way that was different than what he and his wife had talked about but he didn't tell his wife about how he had voted until several months later they're out with a group of friends talking over dinner and then he says how he voted and of course she hears that and goes wait a second why didn't you tell me that so then after dinner she's got a problem because now this means a lot of things this means that he's been dishonest with her in her mind which means there's an erosion of trust in the relationship she feels betrayed she feels like he doesn't trust her because he's unwilling to talk to her she feels like there might be something else that's going on in their relationship that maybe she needs to know or doesn't understand and the ground becomes unstable in terms of trust in the relationship as a result and so of course she's naturally upset at him now when she gets upset at him she becomes frustrated there's emotion involved he feels bad he feels guilty and he thinks to himself i would have been better off if i hadn't have said anything in the first place i don't like disappointing my wife i don't want to let her down i don't want her to be frustrated with me i don't even want to have to have the discussion about why i voted a certain way when we had talked about voting a different way because i just don't want to have to handle that conversation or that conflict so it would have been better off if we would have just left that topic completely alone and if i hadn't said anything in the first place have you had that happen in your own life where you thought that to yourself and maybe you even withhold withheld a discussion with somebody that might have been a vitally important discussion as a result of trying to either minimize pain for them or minimize pain for yourself now you might want to consider what the actual cost of that is what is the price of lost trust in a relationship would it be better for your partner to trust you and disagree with you than to not trust you as a result of withholding information even as something as simple as who you voted for if your partner comes to you and asks you a question am i do i look fat in this dress and you don't actually like how they look in the dress would it be better for you to actually say i really like you in a different dress or i like when you put on other clothes or you say you know that's not my favorite thing on you would that be better for you and for your partner than to say no that looks awesome and then to have them go out into public in a situation where then they can't be confident in who they are because they don't know if you actually meant what you said because you always say yes so think about honesty and trust and the healthy form of conflict in the right way in relationship with my friend if he would have gone to his wife and said here's who i voted for and here's why and she would have said i don't agree with you i think you should have voted this way instead for all of these reasons and he could have said i can understand your point of view i can see where you're coming from here's my reasons why and she could eventually come back around to saying well i see where you came to your conclusions too even though i don't agree with you in disagreeing with each other but understanding one another they're going to have more trust in their relationship they're going to have in some ways more connection with each other because they actually know who they are and where they stand on these kinds of issues instead of walking around in silence with each other he's giving her an opportunity to learn how to listen and empathize if he tells her those things she's giving him an opportunity to learn how to be more assertive in his discussions with her to have more confidence in who he is and to be seen and loved as he is instead of feeling like he has to perform in a relationship so consider that in your own life right now can you be more honest in your relationship can you live with more integrity from inside yourself without being dramatic without being critical without being mean without causing a bunch of drama can you hold fast to principles that are true for you can you step into who you are be honest about who you are and allow those people around you to love you as you are and studying having to perform in order to feel connected challenge to think about today the next time your partner asks you if they like something if you like something about them or if they look fat in the dress don't say you look fat but be totally honest with them and give them an opportunity to grow and trust with you have a great day thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like and subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question i'd be happy to answer it for you [Music] you