Seek First To Understand, And Then Be Understood

September 12, 2020

Wind Rivers, Wyoming

Ty is off in the Wind Rivers in Wyoming hiking during a sunrise. He shares a key point that he learned over and over from his Mom while growing up. Seek first to understand, then be understood. This comes from the book, “How To Win Friends And Influence People”.

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What is going on you guys! Ty, your wandering therapist here. I'm excited to be with you today. If you can't tell I'm in the Wind River Mountain Range in Wyoming. You can see how beautiful this is. It's right at sunrise. The sun just poked out right in front of me right over the edge of these other mountains. You can see. I'll show you. Just kind of really beautiful amazing day. The temperature is probably about 50 which is really good for up here this time of year. And I just want to share a few couple thoughts with you today. And it's based off of a saying that my mom used to tell me all the time when we'd gone to fight with my brothers or when I'd come home mad at somebody or not understanding what somebody was doing or feeling like I'd been mistreated. And kind of having some anger in my heart or some frustration my heart my mom would always pull out this famous line and she'd say hey tyler Seek first to understand and then be understood. And it goes along with this idea that comes from like the book How to Win Friends and Influence People which is a phenomenal book I highly recommend. But it was like How am I going to be effective in my relationships and how my more likely to get more of what I want. And the reason I'm sharing this is because I just was thinking about how hard it is sometimes that we are so often so self-centered in the way that we see the world and we often get frustrated with things and we want things to go a certain way and when when they don't. Then we want to tell people exactly what we're thinking or what they should do or how they should make it better. When in reality sometimes we don't have any platform to stand on with them yet because we haven't fully understood what they're doing and they're coming at it from the same angle we are. So both of us are talking head to head trying to get our point across unwilling to listen to the other one until we feel like we've been heard and one of the secrets to healthy relationships and to being effective in relationships and getting what we want is being able to step outside of ourselves for a second and get onto the other side and really truly seek to understand what the other person is saying. And when we can do that when we can actually get to that point where we can say hey this is what I think you mean or what you say or what you're feeling is X Y or Z is that right. And they nod their head or they say yes that's exactly right. Then we've laid down a foundation where they're now more likely to want to listen to us because they've felt validated and they don't feel like they're on the defensive quite so much. I was watching a date debate between Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris last week on YouTube and Sam Harris was talking about something in Jordan Peterson kept saying. So what I think you're saying is this this this and this and Sam Harris would keep talking and not quite not quite say exactly that. So Jordan Peterson where they refute it and say So what. So what you're saying now or what I think you're saying or what I'm understanding you to say is this this this and this and finally he got it to our Sam Miller said yes that's exactly what I'm saying. And what Jordan Peterson was doing was as he was laying down the foundation so that no one he did fully understand what Sam Harris was trying to say. But he was also setting things up so that he could now because of his understanding respond in a more educated and a more real and a more authentic way with his own points of view and this dialogue went back and forth and Sam Harris would then understand Jordan Peterson and it was this is really enriching discussion where there was some difference of opinion. I don't know that they were fully came to an agreement on things but there was respect there was connection. There was a lot of room for extra thought and there was this kind of overall feeling of this idea of respect and support which only builds the relationship even if you don't fully agree with somebody. So if you guys are thinking of certain people in your own life maybe someone that you're annoyed with or maybe you feel like someone in your relationships one of your relationships doesn't quite fully understand you before you try to ram down their throat them needing to understand you see if you can try this trick and just back up and seek to show that you understand the other person first in order to create space so that you can. Be able to share your own feelings with the potential of somebody being able to listen a little bit better. You guys have a great day. Thank you so much for being here with me. If you found this to be valuable for you please hit the Like and Subscribe button. If you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into. Please submit a question I'll be happy to answer it for you.

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About the author

"The Wandering Therapist"
I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist based in Northern Utah. I help men, women, and couple's heal their hearts and relationships from addiction and trauma. I love this process of redemption and I have faith you can experience it too.
based in Logan, Utah.