Nick Larson’s Vulnerable Story

October 29, 2020

TranscriptWell hey what's up. I'm I'm Nick Larson and under serious tell you my story today. Here to share a few parts of my story that I feel like are things that are important to me in my life and that I should share things that I feel like have happened to me and been a part of my life for a reason beyond myself if that makes sense hopefully. So I guess just to get into it. I'm really grateful for love strong you know Chase and Tyler want me to do a video and just just to just to share a part of me with you and hope you can feel comfortable with me as we just go on this journey and just hear what I have to say. So you know my story starts back way when I was a little boy I was always kind of more I guess you could say like sexually frustrated like I didn't understand like my hormones I didn't have a place to really go and talk about things and I didn't have a place to really I didn't have a father growing up. They weren't. He wasn't a part of my life growing up and so I wasn't able to even go there and just try to talk about life right when I was when life was hard and so. For me I didn't discover that until I was out of my recovery. But one of the biggest parts of my story is obviously my addiction to pornography and kind of how that led me down this path that I honestly never thought or knew that it would lead me. I don't want to say that I'm grateful for my pornography addiction. But at the same time there's some amazing things that I've learned that I don't believe that I would be who I am today and wouldn't have learned those things the same way had I not gone through what I went through. And so just to get back up and come forward a little bit from when I was a youth I got kind of mixed up in prior to when I was about 18 years old. And you know just graduate high school I wasn't sure where I was what to do with my life. I was debating going on a mission for church and a part of and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and so I was about to go on a mission there and I I decided I wasn't gonna do that. And then one thing led to another and I kind of got lazy. You know I wasn't really responsible. I lived in a lot of denial. I was gone for a funny word that I knew a man was once I was come a bomb you know like I was. That's all I was you know I didn't really do much and so fast forward a little bit. I may say I'm getting mixed up in pornography because I wasn't doing anything I was I wasn't really engaged as anything in my life. I wasn't going after any dream or goal or ambition or I wasn't going to school or I wasn't doing anything. And so it's kind of let me down this path in my life for a few years where I struggled heavily and I got deeper and deeper into pornography. And then you know a few years went by and I ended up wanting to get a little better so I met that ecclesiastical leader and they tried to help me the best they could. They never truly fully had the answers they didn't they didn't fully understand how to help or connect with someone who was going through an addiction to something like pornography. And like I said when I was younger minds tend back to more than that right. So it wasn't just pornography was kind of being like a sexual addiction and just having that frustration. And so now as a we're going through my story. I meet my wife. I probably have sobriety for a good you know year or two and then long story short me my wife and I get married a couple of years later and amazing. All right. Best decision I ever made and about probably I want to say a year into our marriage maybe a little less started having struggles with it against of pornography and just using that as my mind numbing tool right. I was going to school I was working and my wife was doing the same and it was just when I when I'd have stressed stresses especially with like math I was stuck with math my whole life and it would just be like I would just close the book and be like I got to numb out and that's what I would do. So I eventually needed to fix this part of me and about I want to say somewhere between eight and nine years ago I decided to go tried to do recovery and I had with my church leaders give me some information where I actually met Tyler and. Ended up doing my. Recovery through his brother Brandon and. We didn't all online group and I did that for almost three years not quite about. Maybe like two years and nine months or something like that. And during this process it's really honestly what changed my life. You know I start to learn about things and recovery like denial I started learning about things in recovery such as my form of denial which I was always more of like a bloomer. So I would always blame things on our people or I would blame that all because of this. This is why this is happening to me. And so for me I always didn't take full responsibility or accountability for my own actions. And so for me I don't know I just I was always like the big like boom mindblowing thing for me that. I could understand finally that everything kind of was a choice in my life. I mean there might be some things in life that we don't choose and they happen to us and we have to deal with them and cope with them. But overall for me it was more of it was my choice. And so anyway but to kind of continue on my story a little bit. That's one big thing that really hit me. Another huge thing I can always remember in recovery was empathy and you know. It was funny because I'm the first time I asked Brandon kind of about about it. He had he had said the word and you know I come back week after week and I couldn't even pronounce the word and I had never even heard of the word. I had no idea like what it even meant. And I couldn't pronounce it. Week after week and I come back round just be like this is my therapist and over the group it is like you get an ache you get it. And eventually that one week just I was able to pronounce the word right. And so this is a little thing like that though there is this awesome because it's it's a fun story and it's kind of silly and goofy but at the same time like empathy means so much because that's where I finally realized like Oh yeah. Like we don't live in a world where we choose to understand and recognize each other. We live in a world where we choose to judge each other and and look at the harshest side first sort of taking a step back and being like. Well I need to. Like see how this person's life is and understand that. Not everyone lives the same way as me. And that's OK. And so. Those are prior to the biggest things in my life besides the last one that I'll get to that shame shame was like. Beyond mind blown it was like it exploded my mind and I realized with my shame how much it controlled my life so much like forever It controlled me as a young boy all the way up to a young adult and I just remember thinking about shame all the time and wondering like am I ever going to beat shame. Am I ever going to live a life where I'm not shaming myself and not thinking I'm not enough and not hating myself and and thinking that everyone around me is always better than me I have nothing in this world to offer that's that great and I know looking at me sharing this videos prior like you know no way but I truly struggled with loving who I was and just having confidence in myself and believing in myself that if I wanted to I always was kind of a a dream like a go after like I want to go out for like dreams and goals but I never I always had these great ideas and I really believe that they look back in my life. There's some great milestones I really could have done something with but I never truly allowed myself to think that I could be successful at whatever right whatever that thing might be. And so for me it's like it opened this whole new chapter in my life. You know I know it's easy to sit here and hear someone say it but like when you're an individual who literally thinks that. You blame everyone else you don't take sponsor over anything you have no idea not no idea. Not the best ideas on how to relate to people. And then you feel like you're worthless all the time. Well like. Life's pretty much over for an individual. And that's kind of what I always thought of my life like I never thought I was really going to accomplish anything I mean my whole life. Even after recovery and I don't I'm grateful now and I can see it. I can see the benefits of it but I've had to work my butt off for like everything in my life. There was really never anything handed to me. School came extremely hard. I had to be put in special classes in high school and throughout my my learning education because I didn't learn the same way as other kids and I always felt stupid for that. And that's one of those things that always haunted my life. I'm going to go back to this part of my story real quick. When I was in fourth grade. I had a teacher literally swear at me throw a pencil at my face and told me that I was stupid because I didn't know an answer to a question and it wasn't until I went through recovery and it was like that last few months of recovery that I finally clicked that I had held onto that one little instance as a fourth grader this young kid and let it control the rest of my life thinking that I was stupid I couldn't do anything especially when it came to education. I think that you know words are so powerful and important we need to understand like. How we use our words against other people because they can really pierce someone's heart and make them believe something that's not even true. Because we say it out of anger frustration instead of taking a step back and seeing what we really feel. So let's go to the main parts of my story. Like I said I've been on a recovery for about eight to nine years now. I try my best to run my blog and sharing my story just sharing honestly not even just my story using my story as an opportunity to share like just little things that I learn like every Sunday I post like a real connection Sunday just write try to post real about life you know something that happened that week or that or the last month or even the last year. An inspirational thought that came to me from God and just trying to show that. Through an example in my own life living or past examples of what I've done wrong. And then now what I'm doing right or unhealthy living too emotional a healthy living. And so. Yeah that's that's kind of that's kind of the main part of my story I'd say that you know as I always think about doing this video I was trying to think you know what's what's something in my life that's really changed in the last eight to nine years. Of being in recovery being done with it in two years to two and a half to two new years or whatever. And then now continuing on in my life and I was trying to think like what's a couple things or one thing that I would love to share. That I really feel like could benefit somebody else. Or that I've felt like would have benefited me. Had I heard it and you know one of the biggest things that's that's. Come out. And I just kind of feel really heavy about and I feels it's a good habits a bad habit. It's just this really powerful thing. Is just how much recovery changed my life to help me believe in myself. I know that I wouldn't be the man God has asked me to be and want me to be without it. I know that I couldn't be the husband that I am today without it. I know that I couldn't be the father that I want to be so desperately without it. And I also know that I couldn't live the healthy life that I lead. If I hadn't been through recovery. And one of the coolest things that I realize is a lot of times I've had people because I'm trying to grow my spirituality and closer to God in Christ and all that stuff. And one of the course things that I've realized is that. The gospel Jesus Christ and recovery. Are like one I used to treat them early on recovery like this recovers over here. God was over here and then I as I kept bringing them closer and closer together I would realize that I would read or or hear different parts of the gospel and then recovery and how much they mingled and they mixed together and they share and they complement each other. It was so cool to me because unlike now I don't have to think oh I've gotta I've gotta live recovery I'll never live the gospel what I could lend both at the same time and they and they help me be a better man a better husband a better father a better friend a better person of society and you know kick out some of those social norms. I mean just just little things you know I. Some of the things that I feel so heavy about in life lately or just the fact that we live in this world where. Everyone kind of wants to feel like their opinions right or their opinions the most important and I feel like if we can come to like a middle ground somewhere where we can choose to see each other for who each other really is and not get lost in all the anger and frustration and bitter and and hatefulness in our world I really believe that our world would be a better place. Just the other day I was thinking about anger and I saw this video on YouTube. And it was this man that punched another man who was coming out of court who had killed a toddler or a baby and this man runs up and it's like starts beating him over the head and so many I went I just wanted the comments I want to see if people are saying and so if people were to say like so for this guy and don't get me wrong I can feel with this guy like wanting to go up and slug someone who hurts and kills a child. Yes of course but the saddest thing to me is that we live in a world where this is what one thing recovery's taught me is that we live in a world that we want to fuel of hate. And. Anger. Instead of fueling off of. Understanding. And. Letting Justice do its part and letting like ourselves not be controlled by what somebody else has done. And I know in this world that's really really hard. But for me and what I know and believe. I know that. Anybody including myself will get the punishments that we all deserve one day right. Like from God if we choose not to you know repent of those things and ask for forgiveness and do that the right way and do it in the right mindset. Those things will be taken care of and so I guess for me it brings me peace when I when I see these situations. I don't know I bring that up because I feel like so much in our world especially in the last this last year. You know our has been so different I feel like our world is so full of hatred you know people hate each other because they wear a mask or they don't wear a mask. People hate each other because they're a different color and they're not a different color. And I just I just don't understand that to be honest with you I think whatever part people think they should do let them do it and that's ok like it doesn't mean we have to now be like angry at somebody is because they're doing something a little different than we are. So. Back to an end up I guess to sum up maybe real quick. The understanding of what recovery is really taught me. I want to kind of end with this because I really believe like this is this is kind of the bread and butter what what recovery's taught me. I hope I can do it justice it's so broad and vague in my mind that I have a hard time narrowing it down and like just giving it to you in an in an explanation but I'll do my best. And one of those that thing would be just like teaching me how to live me. Like teaching Nick had just how to live my life. And. Push away all the other people that tell me how I should live. Push push away all the the social norms and everything else and just be content living me and knowing that this is the person God wants me to be and that to me that's good enough right. That's that's enough for me. And so a couple of those things that go along with this are like I run my own business and you know my business I've had it for coming up on eight years and it's been it's been I was hard the first three to four years and then it started booming and taking off and I just you know takes time to build client tell and trust and and get better at your craft and everything else. And. Now my business is flourishing and I'm so I'm so grateful for it and I'm so great for the hard work I've put in the hard work that God is seen and he's blessed the two as he's seen it like all that but. One of the things I feel like for me through this whole explanation of me just living me is realizing that a what I do doesn't define me so I could do anything in this world for a career and that still isn't going to define who I am. I have passion for what I do for a living I love it but it doesn't define Nick. In the end we're defined by Watson's what's in here and who we ultimately want to be in the kind of imprint we want to leave on this world. So every day my business you know I try to be real my customers I try to take the opportunity if I get a chance to talk to them openly and honestly and to make sure I'm always being honest and I'm also being teachable. I believe fully that we can always learn more we can always become a little better. We're never at a point where we're like oh yeah I got I got this even I do that my business. I feel that my life I believe that Malaysia of God with my wife with my son everything. And so the other thing I guess I would I would kind of want to focus on is just realizing that. As we put confidence in ourselves. And we. Do our best. To believe in us. I know it kind of seems shallow or maybe like everyone says that a lot but. In all honesty when we. Believe in ourselves and we really begin to see the roots that Yeah I don't have to live by these old demons anymore that tried to control me and shut me down and push me down. I can finally live this life where I can go after my dreams. I can live this life where everyone else may want me to be this person or or do this job or whatever but I don't have to do any of that. And in the end it doesn't matter. In the end for me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me and I know right now I'm saying this but even a couple of years ago I went to Bill to say this right now I really come to a point in life I don't really care what other people think of me than what my wife thinks of me because it's very important to me and what God thinks of me and those were the only two people in this world that I really care about what they owe and what I believe and see about myself. And I really believe that we all need to get to a place where we get we can get there because I think once we get there. We have a better opportunity to to love one another and to help each other and just to just to be genuine with each other all the time. And so. I always always have this great tagline I've signed off with on my. Breaking the Cycle and just to have a little understand with it no kind of end with it is. I've always stated that. You're worth more than you think you are. Your love more and you think you are and. To always battle your demons and never laid out to them. And I always say these three things at the end because. They're the three things in my life that have truly. Brought me peace. To. Know that we're worth more than we'll ever know. To love ourselves. To know that we're also loved more than we'll ever know and to know that our demons are actually there to make us stronger. And I know for me in my life up till I was twenty five. I never I never thought of it that way I never believed that never crossed my mind but I know it now and it's the truth that our weaknesses and our demons are truly there to make us become the person that we can be in this world and the best version of ourselves that we could ever imagine becoming. And so that's why I leave with you guys and I hope you guys enjoyed my story and if nothing else I'm glad I could share a piece of me with you and just be real and honest and open and I really appreciate sharing it. See you guys.

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