Tyler, The Wandering Therapist, talks about how important grace, mercy, and the POWER of a moment are in having a more meaningful, deeper connection with our spouse and loved ones. Tyler talks about how we often overlook the role grace plays in building a lasting relationship and how we can use it to gain and earn trust with those we love.
Let's talk about grace, mercy, and the power of a moment.
What's going on you guys? Today I wanted to talk with you a little bit about a principle that runs across my office all the time that is so hard to apply, but that is absolutely magical in the ability to heal relationships.
In order to illustrate this principle, I just wanted to tell you a little bit of a story. I've been working with a couple for a very long time now, probably five or six years now. They had some really significant issues with betrayal trauma, with affairs, with some forms of addiction. And over the course of the time that I've been working with them, they've been working really hard to heal—not only from the addiction itself, not only from the betrayal trauma that the wife has been feeling—but eventually trying to figure out how to come together in a relationship.
Over the last five or six years, they've done a really good job of getting back, grounded in terms of the emotional grounding, overcoming the trauma that's come from the betrayal, getting into recovery and not acting out anymore and trying to embrace the principles that we talk about in recovery all the time—of humility, and openness, and transparency.
But this couple has sort of been stuck for quite a while. They've sort of hit a ceiling in their relationship and their ability to find deeper connection and trust with one another. And so, they've gotten to kind of a place of just good enough. He doesn't act out anymore. She doesn't get traumatized a lot anymore. There's just enough trust that they can get through the day-to-day stuff, but they just haven't been able to connect the way that they wanted to.
Something happened this week that I thought was so powerful, that I've been working with this couple for five or six years, and we've kind of hit this plateau, trying to figure out how to break through. It just so happened this week, that while driving home from work, the man heard a song on the radio. And that song pierced his heart so deeply about all the things that he had done in the past to hurt his wife, that he felt like he just needed to call her up and to express sorrow and apology to her.
And so, he called her up and he expressed apology and sorrow to her and through his tears he just said, “I am so sorry for the things that I've done to you. I can't even imagine what it's been like for you to go through the things that you've gone through.”
And instantly, something inside of her broke. And she was the one, instead of saying. “Yes, I'm validated in all the pain that you've caused,” she actually turned back around to him and in his brokenness, she said to him, “Thank you. I love you. That's in the past. Let's move on.”
And both of them actually had a breakthrough together in the ability to offer grace. She was able to offer grace to him in a broken moment when he was finally broken enough to show up and offer a sincere apology. And she had the heart that was ready to receive that and offer grace back.
That principle of grace and mercy is something that I think we let go by the wayside too often in our world, where we're always looking for justice to be served, in whatever way we've been wronged. Every one of us has a resentment that we're holding on to right now, waiting for justice to be served and feeling like we have to hold that resentment until that justice gets served.
My proposal to you today is that the moment of being able to offer grace and mercy could potentially offer you more freedom and peace, and the person that you're holding on to it against them more freedom and peace than all of the work or justice could possibly do to make it right.
I remember a long time ago, a little personal story. When I was is in the midst of my own journey to healing, in recovery myself, I went to a church leader to confess all of the things that I had done, all the ways that I had sinned. I went in there feeling like I would walk out of the office afterwards with my membership in my church in the balance—that I might be excommunicated from my church or be disfellowshipped in some way.
And I told my story to my church leader and he sat there and he listened from across his desk and then he started to get tears in his eyes. I got done with my story and I was sitting there waiting for the punishment to arrive, and instead he stood up from his desk and walked around the table and he came over to me and he put his arms around me and he gave me a hug. And he cried with me and he said that he loved me. And then, he told me that he wanted me to be even more active in our church than I had been to that point.
Something inside of me in that moment opened up. Here I was believing that I was unworthy of any of this stuff, that I needed punishment and when he offered grace and mercy instead of the punishment, that did so much to change my heart. It motivated me in a way that I hadn't felt before. It came through the form of love. And it was that little moment that led to being the catalyst to a great change in my life over the next several years.
A thought for you today. Is there a place where you might be able to offer grace or mercy for your heart and for the sake of your relationships? Give that a thought. If there is somebody, you may take a moment reach out to them in a sincere, humble, wholehearted way.
I hope that's helpful. You guys have a great day.
Thank you so much for being here with me. If you found this to be valuable for you, please hit the like and subscribe button. If you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into, please submit a question. I'd be happy to answer it for you.