How Do You Heal Pain From A Past Relationship?

[Music] all right sweet we're doing uh an emergency emergency wholehearted episode no I uh I I just wanted to bring up well first uh this isn't really a joke it's more of a statement but um it is homemade um My Wife puts the woman and romance oh God it's better if you see it written out it's like I got it I picked it up okay good it took me a minute to actually frame the word in my head yeah I like the look on your face when you said it though yeah she she would like that face even more than you um yeah man no um I hit you up uh I saw you had a free uh block earlier today and every once in a while I'll have something that's kind of pressing on me in a positive way uh occasionally and and it's like man I would love to be able to go and talk about this while it's totally fresh and um anyway so I had just gotten out of this therapy session where I was doing some EMDR with a buddy and um not my buddy is my therapist and he is my buddy yeah we we shoot the breeze probably too much but um the the question that I wanted to uh ask and kind of talk about today is how do you heal from uh how do you heal pain from a past relationship um so kind of keep going on on this what this session did for me EMDR is so weird I'm still trying to figure out what the heck it's doing what does it do and why does it work yeah yeah yeah cuz you know we've talked about the woohoo element of like what is it yeah and at the same time it it moved something in me today there was even a definitive moment where I was like a sh I felt a shift um I've been trying to be a little bit more aware of my breathing um just regularly and especially while I was doing amdr today doing the hand movements and the thing that I was focusing on um mentally emotionally was this lingering pain that I've had from a past relationship and talking specifically about uh with my ex-wife and that that relationship and kind of how the divorce went down and and the reasons why and everything and I'm you know not really interested in getting into the details of what happened there as much as I am wanting to talk about how the process that took place and how it has impacted me at least so far in reframing those traumatic experiences the process overall or the process that took place today yeah the process that took place today um so um some of the some of the things that are maybe relevant in this um I I in my past the way that I've managed stress and maybe even some traumas is that I will suppress memories right and I look back at different periods of my life where it's like maybe a couple of years where it's basically black and I can't really remember much what has gone on in there but I might be able to remember what happened beforehand or after or in between um but it's it's like uh seems to be a mechanism that just feels like it just protecting you yeah just trying to protect myself yeah um subconsciously even and there's this whole period of of life that I had with my ex-wife um for four and a half years where it's mostly black and um and I I think it's going back to that that protective mechanism so anyway the the way that the session went down today is as he started doing his movements and giving me space you know the starting memory and everything that I was working with I I wasn't in the mindset this going into it thinking like I was feeling pretty happy like I I was yeah not just pretty good day like a really good day like I'm having a great day and to go into uh this session it just didn't feel like I was in the right head space to do the work so I wasn't really expecting much in the way of outcomes and as we start doing the work go back to that memory start doing some movement okay what's coming up for you you know and that's the cycle right that's what you do in amdr um and we get to a point where um I'm just digging further and further back into these memories that are starting to surface and they're all painful every single one that's coming up and then something happens where it wasn't a memory like another round goes by and it wasn't a memory that that came up it was a song and the song was controlled by for king and country and um the specific lyrics were um I give up control body mind and soul and um you know hey what's coming up for you um well you know this song and I I mean I don't know I haven't heard it's coming out of nowhere yeah I haven't heard that in a long time and it's not one I listen to frequently or um so there that happens and then next um we go back into it and the shift that what the shift that took place was first it was like an emotional shift and then um a split second after I felt like a like physical like something physically changed and the way I describe it is um it was like I felt sorrow for uh my loss and the loss being all the good memories yeah was cool is like the moment that I I felt that I didn't even like recognize it rationally yet it was just like I felt it my shoulders dropped my eyelids dropped and um and I I just felt like like a burden had been lifted and then we keep going and um and from that point you know moving throughout the rest it went from all the memories being painful to all the memories being good yeah so the the thing that and you're feeling all of those too yeah yeah not just thinking them but feeling them yeah it was really bizarre because um I don't necessarily want to think about my ex-wife I'm in a perfectly awesome relationship right now so there's that factor and then there's the pain of it and the pain being I don't want to remember the good moments and how much love that I felt because if I don't then I can't be hurt by them right it's almost like it's just objective yeah and uh you know the quote being uh better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all right um but that was such a big deal for me and the way that it felt recognizing part of the reason that I don't I only remember the painful stuff is because I don't want to remember the love that I felt because it amplifies the grief yeah the grief and the loss the loss um but the rest of the experience was so beautiful like I remembered some of the inside jokes some of the silly pranks some of the like like the the moments of seeing her in her goodness and femininity um and all of those things that I had not wanted to recognize I just wanted to it would be easier not to remember those because then you could keep your heart sealed off yes not feel the way the way that you started to feel today absolutely and and even it's not like there's an ongoing relationship or connection there no and you're not going to go reach out to her today yeah nothing like that Stoke that back up right yeah and at the same time it was necessary for the healing that I have I felt like it did feel like a burden was lifted and and even the word that kept on coming back up is just peace like I feel so much more calm and like I can approach those types of memories again when when it feels right you know yeah so I I guess that's maybe my my curiosity is what you know with what you've seen and what have been your experiences and the way that people address past relationships specifically not anything active or on or future like past relationships that's at first I just want to say like you just described why I love EMDR is like as a therapist it's nothing that I even do other than just following the protocol and letting the client come to those conclusions and look how beautiful it was that you were the one that kind of we're in a spot where for whatever reason today was the day that you allowed yourself to go to some of those places and the Brain for some reason and the body are all working together without ever realizing that you go from a king and country song which by the way those lyrics are beautiful if you think about how that connects into what you just described I give up control what was it body mind and soul man like you don't think that's part of your own inspiration or maybe even God working through you and then after after that was then you're able to go to these places where and this is what's so cool about past traumas um is that when the story changes and you can feel the change in the story you know you're moving through them so so most of us have these negative experiences and we prefer to hold on to the negative story because it keeps us justified in our pain it keeps us safe and protected and when we're able to actually let go of control and look at the actual story that's there and find this sounds weird but find compassion for the person who's maybe heard us find love for them find Good Will towards them find in your case positive memories inside of that relationship again it does subject you to more pain but this is what's really interesting is in opening yourself up to the full experience of what it means to grieve the loss of those things and allowing yourself to feel that's also the thing that's allowing you to change the story about it and go I don't have to let this hurt me anymore like there's something physically and emotionally shifting in you as you start to see it from a totally different lens and I I say see it and I don't even mean it with your eyes I mean it with your heart like you start to feel it from a totally different lens right um I talking to a group of kids at the Alternative High School today and I was supposed to be talking about shame somehow one of the students there started talking about this resentment that she holds on to and how she's never going to let it go because the person who's hurt her doesn't deserve it and I told a story about a resentment that I've held on to for 20 years and who suffered the most in those 20 years yeah right like and and it's all been because I've refused to allow myself to grieve that I was mistreated to to allow myself to grieve the loss of what I thought should have been a different experience than the one I received to to be able to see and make human the person who hurt me over 20 years and I've suffered as a result until the time when I've been able to body mind and soul let go of control and say I'm no longer the judge and jury and I can maybe even find some positives in this person right so you back to your question a little bit how do you deal with healing wounds from past relationships I think one is to give permission for it to be a process you've been divorced for how long seven years seven years is it okay that maybe you've only had blacked out things and only seen a couple of the negatives is it okay that maybe that's just how you protected yourself yeah is it sad that it took seven years to have the shift start to happen yeah maybe that's a little bit sad too can you give yourself permission to be in process because if you give yourself permission to be in process you're already invited in that openness that you had in the MDR session of like I don't have to force anything I don't have to cling to anything I can just be in process and now I'm open to whatever the experience is that's going to come a song on the radio or somebody's going to give a talk at something you're at and it's going to hit you where and be like oh like yeah like you know um but eventually all of that leads to this sounds weird but the story can change even though the details might be the same the story and the way I feel about that story shifts and that's what EMDR does is it doesn't go in like blank out the memory it's like oh I'm never going to remember that again in fact that's not what we want yeah we want what you experienced and what you're willing to step into this thing and go this hurts and I'm sad and I've lost that stuff and I will grieve it but look at how you paired that with you said the word peace and I've seen this so many times in in the clients that I work with with that they're in the midst of horrific relationship things and it's in the midst of those things that they somehow come to a place of Peace they're not exclusive they still have to navigate the pain the hurt the resentment and they can find peace when they surrender it and when they start to look at it and feel differently about it and I don't know how to make that happen but I know that it does right and I know that when the story changes people start to see the positives people start to see the Silver Linings they go from that it's called post-traumatic post postraumatic growth where they go down into the hole and they not only climb out to where they came from but they actually come up above it and they're V in some way for having been through the trauma and they even get to a spot sometimes where they're grateful that it happened maybe you're not there yet no I I am yeah it's great it's like now you can be grateful for the experience that that TR mama has brought you and the lessons that it's taught you and the way that it's changed you and the strength that it's given you and and then all of a sudden it's worth it to have gone through it so I don't even know if I'm even answer your question right now I think I think that's nailing it I mean so you're saying uh at least that it's a process oh yeah and then it's also a reframing of of your your story it's not just this it's it's things that that allow this to do the processing and the acceptance of a new story yeah right I could go to you in therapy face to face and be like guess what man it's such a blessing that you went through all that terrible stuff and you like bull crap you're a terrible therapist but you can sit there in an EMDR session and have your own mechanisms and God speak to you through go through King and Country like and then you're like whoa mind blow and you know I'd be sitting there as a therapist going like I wish I was your therapist I could feel so good about myself but it's all you doing all the it's it's you doing the work and sometimes the work is actually letting go and not doing more yeah right that's what you did today you let it go finally and and it opened you up to a whole new dimension yeah so I wish I had better answers I know that I know that those processes work I've experienced them in my own life I see them in my clients all the time if I could figure out how to make make that happen for my clients in like a regular interval like third session all right guys we the Heart Change part like I would love to be able to do that what I do know is that helping to Foster opportunities for emotionally corrective experiences seems to be where I find the most success in my practice Yeah whether that's through experience whether that's through music whether that's through some kind of like EMDR session or other trauma work or the projects that we do in our groups they're all geared towards taking that shot aiming at the target of the heart having an emotionally corrective experience so what are you laughing at Jase I I I believe I believe I'm a Believer you know I think it's so cool man I I'm just so happy that you had that experience today and that and we had the time to be able to get together and actually process it together like you said while it's fresh cuz it does feel different when it's fresh yeah you know yeah actually and you know it's so funny too because I think this type of stuff there's the direct impact you know the when you actually think about it and it's like ah and then there's the subconscious stuff we don't even know what it's doing to us sure you're guarding your heart a little more even in your own marriage now or whatever else is going on yeah actually yeah I mean it it's just so funny how it works but what a what a gift that it's possible to work through some of that stuff and yeah I I think this I think experiencing it for myself makes me want to just you know shout from the rooftops like hey you guys try hey try it out guys there's Freedom here yeah there's some freedom freedom in the pain yeah so yeah anyway yeah it makes me think of that song Life In The Pain by safety suit that talks about I I almost listen to those lyrics as if it's God speaking any is saying you know if I could I'd let it hurt you because there's something about life and the pain and man when you when you go into a situation knowing that there's a God behind you that loves you enough and trusts you enough to confront that pain and that there will be treasure on the other side of it it's so much different than just the suffering of the pain you know and it's it's so hard because we have that continue wrestle just to be able to embrace those things in that light but when we do there's a lot of Beauty in it there really is so thank you for letting me be a part of your story you know was a gift man yeah thanks all right well I love you T love you [Music] too