How Do I Help My Grandkids While They Live With My Alcoholic Daughter?

what's going on you guys today we're going to be talking about how to set boundaries with adult children who have addictions and how to still be involved in their lives and be able to manage and take care of the grandchildren this question comes from sharon sharon says i have an adult daughter who's an alcoholic who lives in the house next door to me that i rent to her and she wants her independence and she wants her freedom but i'm really worried about the grandkids and so i'm involved as much as i can be i take care of the grandkids a couple times a week and i want to be more involved but i also don't want to step on any toes at the same time that i want to make sure my grandchildren are safe so really tricky situation this is a tough situation because there's multiple layers that are added on to each other here one is as i got my relationship with my daughter itself and where is the line between being over stepping with my bounds what are healthy boundaries is it even the right thing to be offering the housing or not when i know that my my child is doing got a problem with an addiction all these things get layered on top of each other and then you add into the mix another question which is i also have grandchildren and i want to be involved with my grandkids and i also want to make sure my grandkids are taken care of and that they're safe so what do i do and what i would suggest as a beginning point is that you work from the grandchildren up just because i know that sharon you're going to be caring about those grandkids and their safety is top priority so if there's something that's happening that you think is actually really detrimental i don't know all the details of the story but if if let's say that they're being put into a car with someone who's driving an intoxicated way it's on you to make sure that whatever needs to happen whether that's legally or other forms of boundaries that their imminent safety is taken care of first i don't get the impression from your question that's what's happening but that's the first thing is if there's an imminent safety problem then you want to make sure that that's taken care of and you'll go to whatever lengths you can to make sure that that happens even if it means damaging the relationship with your daughter because that's safe to be such a priority after that also consider where you might be using your time and your energy for the best benefit if you're spending your time and energy trying to change your daughter and she's wanting her freedom and she's wanting her space and you're okay with her staying in the house and having that freedom in that space and you just feel like you're banging your head against a wall trying to get her to change you might use that resource of your energy that's limited and finite by putting it more into more time with the grandchildren helping out with the resources that you're providing maybe helping with their school clothes or getting them into piano lessons or other extracurricular activities or helping them get into places where they're going to have other good adult mentors in their lives put those resources into a place where you can still feel good about how you're using your energy and prioritize it to the grandkids if your daughter's wanting all that space and that independence the second thing that you might think about here is just making sure that your intent which is very good to help your daughter to help your kids your grandkids that your actions are helping to produce what your intent is so is it helping me is it helping my daughter and my grandchildren to do the things that i'm already doing and i would if i were to go through your question i spend time with them every week that's an absolute yes right like any time you can be involved with your grandkids and spend time with them you're going to have an influence for good in their lives that's a good thing right i'm providing housing for her now she sounds like she's paying rent which is great sounds like she's also living close to you so you get to keep your eyes on the grandkid that's great so that's probably working towards your end goal is it helping my daughter to get sober and that's the next question i don't know but that's the next question to ask is if i continue to provide housing for her is she going to be able to go get the motivation to continue to move or change or do something different again i don't know what that is for your situation but that's a question to ask is that is my action lining up with my intention for the end goal and sometimes that end goal gets mixed out and then you end up banging your head against a wall feeling burned out and tired and feeling like you've given everything and you've seen no change because you're expecting change to happen because you've done so much work when in reality the measuring stick is you with your heart with your higher power using your energy the best way you possibly can so continue to work inwardly towards you and your higher power making those decisions instead of working towards the outcome the outcomes will come naturally with healthy boundaries and ultimately with your daughter's choices but you can still put that energy in and feel good about what you're doing regardless of what she decides to do so tough situation there aren't really any good answers for this sometimes it's it's almost like choosing one hard versus another hard and what do i do about it but if you can ground yourself to your principles if you can focus on the long-term outcomes and where you can best use your finite energy then you can go to bed on a clear conscience and you can continue to get up and put that energy in and feel good about where you're going so good luck to you thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like and subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into 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