“How Can I Bring Up My Husbands Weight Without Shaming Him?”

foreign what's going on Tyler wandering therapist here I'm just out in this beautiful spring morning I wanted to answer a couple of questions this question that I'm going to answer today comes from Jan and Jan I just want to say thank you for submitting the question hopefully this will be helpful I'm just going to have a little bit of a discussion around the topic you sent so your question is like many couples help is always a big Topic in my marriage my husband has passed where he was shamed for his weight and I don't want to contribute to that shame however I really want him to take better care of himself and be more active what's a good approach for me to bring this topic up with my husband without bringing in shame or guilt Jan really really good question we could probably change this around anything any other topics it could be around sex or money or any other place it's this is what's crazy about marriage is is that in our marriages we so often without even knowing it have the opportunity to just touch our partners shameful places without even realizing that we're doing it sometimes we all come into our marriage with certain kind of weaknesses or struggles or past history or past traumas that lead to some hot spots in our relationships and the challenge in a marriage is to figure out how to approach those hot spots in ways that can be productive while also being sensitive to the fact that what you're going into is bigger and maybe just the topic you want to talk about so in your case it sounds like you know your husband is sensitive to his weight he's sensitive to the way people have treated him as a result in the past with his weight but you also are married to a man that you want to be with for a really long time that you want to live a healthy life probably be active with and you're also really genuinely concerned about his welfare you know you you love him and so how do you bring those topics up a couple of suggestions for you when to bring those topics up is to make sure that when you bring the topics up you start with a place of principle so identify the principles that you want to be able to to speak and have a plan to use those principles as the anchoring place for the discussion because even when you're anchored to those principles the discussion will often want to find its way into other places where there's going to be a shameful response some kind of Shame screen will come up they'll be defensiveness or shying away or maybe even some anger or frustration when those things start to happen one of the landing places you can come back to is the principal so in this situation I'm guessing that the principles include things like I genuinely love you and I want the very best for your well-being I really value physical health and the focus is going to be on the physical health more than on the weight the work towards of physical kind of help that can allow us to live the lives that we want for as long as we want that's going to be the kind of discussion that you come back to over and over again even if it starts to feel personal or get personal on the other side you're going to be able to then empathize with what's going on and come back to the principle so the second part of this that you want to think about is that there's ways to bring up conversations that allow it to last longer and to be more productive and one of those ways is called soften startup and the way that you soften your startup is instead of going straight at them and saying something like hey you're out of shape you got to get in better shape you're going to slow the conversation down and say something more of like you know something and how much I love you I really want to be with you and I want to have a long life with you can we talk about something that's going to be something that preps the conversation and shows that you're genuinely concerned about him you might even preface that with saying I know I'm going to talk about something that I know is sensitive for you and I want you to understand that I'm not doing it from a personal place are you ready to talk or when would you have a minute to have that kind of a conversation an invitation with even being able to speak or make right in the room that you know that this is a hard conversation with some empathy can be really beneficial the third thing I've set empathy twice now is actual empathy being able to go into your own place for a minute and say what am I insecure about if he were to bring up the topic of blank whatever that is my own body image or the topic of how we spend money is that some place where I feel shame if he were to bring that up how would I feel and how would I like him to bring that up and then when you step into his shoes for a minute you can actually start to see him and continue to see him as a human being and he will feel that energy from you more likely when it's coming from that place of empathy because you're on the same wavelength emotionally fourth thing that I would say is to Have Courage like it's okay to have a healthy level of conflict inside of a relationship when that conflict is toward the greater good tension inside of a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you both still understand at the end at the end of the day that you love each other that you're there for one another that you're willing to be there with one another and that you're not going anywhere you're offering a gift by having that conversation even if his response isn't what you want it to be you're just offering an invitation you're having a conversation and you're showing at the end of the day that you love him that you want to be with him and as long as those things are shining through that's the best you can do and then you're gonna have to surrender the rest of it over to God the outcome as to what he decides to do or how he responds he'll get the opportunity not only to maybe think about his physical health but to also become more shame resilient in the process so hopefully that's helpful for you thanks again Jan have a great day thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like And subscribe button if you're facing particular struggle that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question I'd be happy to answer it for you [Music] foreign [Music]