Yesterday I had an experience that reminded me how much I can learn from the people that I am responsible to be teaching, my children. My daughter Madi reminded me of a valuable tool that can free us from resentment and make us more able to handle difficult relationships.
For the past several weeks Madi has been coming home from school (she is a freshman in high school) complaining about some of the kids in her math class. She has had some open clashes with them, but for the most part she has developed an underlying resentment toward them because of how they treat the teacher and other class members. Over the last several days I have had many conversations with her where I have tried to help her establish boundaries, have a voice, and be assertive. Using my solutions, our conversations have gone something like this:
MADI: I am so mad at them right now! We didn’t get anything done in class, I can’t believe how disrespectful they are!
ME:What did they do?
MADI: They sit on their phones the whole time, they are loud and don’t pay attention to the teacher, I try to tell them to be quiet so I can listen and they roll their eyes at me and make sarcastic remarks!
ME: Why don’t you ask them nicely to be respectful?
MADI: I have, they won’t listen and they just make fun of me! They are total jerks!
ME: Why don’t you set some boundaries with them? Tell them you are going to talk to the teacher about getting them split up?
MADI: The teacher won’t do anything. They already don’t respect him and he does nothing about the crap they already do.
ME: Maybe you could make them feel kind of immature or dumb for acting like little children?
MADI: C’mon dad, you know that will only make things worse for me and everybody else.
ME: Well there has to be something you can do to stand up for yourself.
MADI: I don’t know what to do.
This has been the dialogue for several weeks until yesterday…. As we were driving to a soccer practice Madi started the conversation:
MADI: Hey dad, do you remember those kids at school that have been bugging me?
ME: Yeah, what happened now?
MADI: Oh nothing, I actually feel a lot different about them now.
ME: Oh really, what happened?
MADI: When I was writing in my journal a few days ago I wrote down each of their names, and I decided to write something kind about each of them. I have been doing it every day for the last 3 days and I feel so differently towards them. I feel grateful for some things about them and I also feel some compassion for some of their life problems.
Wow, preach on Madi!
It brought to mind a couple of quotes from one of my favorite books, The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute.
“In every moment…we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don’t.”
When we harbor resentments we forget to see people as people, and it allows us to hold on to our resentments and justifications for our anger. This has a tendency to lead to increased suffering on our own part and brings us no closer to a solution.
“So if we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts or external wars we find ourselves in, we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can’t put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.”
If you are holding on to any resentments or unresolved conflicts like most of us do, may we all practice the art of seeing people as people. Take the challenge from a teenage girl who found a way to bring peace to her own heart without even getting others to change.
Each day write the name of the person you are struggling with, and next to their name write down something you appreciate about them. Do this each day until you can see the person as a person again. At best it will lead to more creativity at solving the issue, at worst you’ll find a greater sense of internal peace and serenity.