Does Infidelity Cause PTSD?

does infidelity cause ptsd in this video today we're going to talk a little bit about what ptsd actually is we're going to talk a little bit about how it plays out in relationships especially when there's infidelity hey guys tyler wandering therapist here i'm excited to be with you today it's a blustery day out here in mid-february in the middle of logan utah it is nice to be out and to see some actual water instead of ice we've had a little bit of a warm spell in between the snowstorms that we've been getting i wanted to talk a little bit with you today about post-traumatic stress disorder i get this question a lot as a marriage and family therapist and i specialize in couples work where there has been infidelity or there's been some type of an addiction usually a sexual addiction and there's been some type of a betrayal that's happened and oftentimes i'll get questions from both partners that say tell me a little bit more about ptsd because we talk a lot in my therapy sessions about trauma and the effects of trauma on our bodies on our brains and on our relationships so does my partner experience ptsd after an affair the answer is actually it depends but let's talk a little bit about today about what ptsd actually is i'm going to go through the symptoms of ptsd and you can kind of decide for yourself if you fit the symptoms so with ptsd this comes from the dsm-5 manual the dsm-5 manual is the diagnostic manual that professionals use to diagnose mental health disorders so i'm going to walk through the dsm-5 manual with you today and you can see for yourself whether or not you and or your partner might be experiencing symptoms of ptsd the first one and there's some several criteria the first one is directly experiencing traumatic events is it traumatic to find out that the person that you're supposed to trust the most might not actually be trustworthy i would say that answer to criteria number one is an absolute yes one of the hardest things about infidelity is usually that it's paired up with secrecy and that secrecy causes unshaky ground in the relationship we are wired for connection and attachment and we want to be securely attached to the person that we're living our life with and sharing our life with and when we realize that maybe we don't know that person completely because there's been secrets in hiding it gets really scary for us it strikes straight at the core of who we are as human beings where we're looking for connection and attachment and now we don't know if we're on solid ground in the very relationship that means the most to us second criteria is witnessing in-person events as occurred to others the witnessing in person is when we find out about the infidelity it's that moment of going oh wow i didn't realize this was happening how could i not see this that's the event that's the experience learning that the traumatic event occurred to a close family member or close friend sometimes we have trauma and it's not even related to us just knowing about trauma from other people can also be traumatic for us okay let's get into the presence of one or more of the following intrusion symptoms recurrent involuntary and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic events this would be something like flashbacks that's what most people are familiar with ptsd post-traumatic stress disorder is is that somebody has flashbacks sometimes they have crazy dreams that that recur sometimes they have other things but but flashbacks and recurrent memories many of the spouses that i work with they have intrusive thoughts and intrusive memories about things that have happened things that they've seen stumbled into on the phone or actually uncovered in other ways number two recurring distressing dreams number three dissociative reactions that means sort of like checking out having flashbacks sometimes almost feeling separate from reality number four intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal cues so when things kick up inside of me maybe i have another thought or a new feeling comes in that reminds me of what's happened then i have this big massive emotional response number five mark physiological reactions that uh symbolize the resemblance aspect of the traumatic event so reliving physically those same reactions that i had when i experienced the event in the first place for a lot of partners who've been betrayed they actually have a hard time with their physical bodies where they actually get tense and stressed in certain areas of their bodies sometimes they feel physically ill sometimes it affects their ability to eat properly all of those things fall under the category of a symptom of ptsd the next section persistent avoidance of the stimuli that causes the stress so when i start running around trying to make sure that i'll never get triggered again you hear that word triggered in recovery work the trigger happens when something happens that reminds me in a certain way of the event so then what i do is i start to get hyper vigilant to try to stop all of those things from happening and when i spend a lot of my time and energy doing that that becomes another symptom of ptsd because it starts to have an effect on my life the next section negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic events beginning or worsening after the traumatic event occurred and evidenced by two or more of the following the inability to remember important aspects of the traumatic events persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself others or the world which a lot of the times when i'm working with betrayed spouses they start to have self-doubts about themselves they get critical they wonder why they weren't enough they wonder if they weren't pretty enough or if they weren't smart enough or if they weren't you know strong enough whatever it is they go internally and they start to have doubts about themselves persistent distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of traumatic events sometimes partners who are betrayed will either end up feeling like they need to blame themselves because they weren't doing enough or something was wrong or or they start to really worry about all of the different causes and it causes them a lot of distress just thinking about it six feelings of detachment or estrangement from others one of the biggest things that happens after betrayal is there's a level of depression that happens and people isolate and pull away and they end up being coming completely isolated and alone even if they have people around them they still feel isolated and alone because they don't feel like they can talk about certain things and then sleep disturbances problems with concentration exaggerated startle responses hyper vigilance and what hyper vigilance is is it's being on edge all the time always looking for things it's like person who gets betrayed they grow these really long antennae where they can notice all of the different factors of what might cause them harm and then they spend a lot of time focusing on those factors and paying attention to those things and it causes a lot of distress in their life because all of their energy is now so focused on trying to stay safe that they can't function in a normal way and duration of the disturbance for more than a month which is often the case with betrayal and the disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social occupational or other areas and for a lot of partners that i work with they experience things where they have a hard time even getting out of bed to go to work they can't function at work or in their relationships at work because they've got that isolation that's trying to pull them in they've got these recurrent thoughts and feelings they're in hyper alert they're always wondering what their partner is doing or not doing while they're gone all those things become factors so with all those factors that we just went through if you look at how betrayal trauma plays itself out in many cases a betrayed spouse will fit the diagnosis for post-traumatic stress disorder it is actually a real thing now when we look at post-traumatic stress disorder most people think of a soldier who goes to war and a soldier who witnesses you know their best friends getting blown up or they have their own their own physical sort of experience with combat that causes them to have flashbacks and nightmares that's in a very real sense there's a similar process and pattern happening for a betrayed spouse because of the nature of the relationship because the relationship was deemed to be something that was supposed to be secure and safe and because we're wired as human beings to be connected and attached to those people in safe and secure ways when that safety gets pulled out from underneath us our bodies and our brains respond in a very similar situation we actually feel threatened we sometimes physiologically feel as though our life is in jeopardy because we are so tuned into wanting safety and connection in our relationships so an answer to the question is it possible that my partner has ptsd or that i have ptsd symptoms after betrayal in many cases the answer is a definite yes so hopefully this will help with some understanding hopefully it'll help you with understanding being patient with you and your partner if you're trying to overcome these things and i'd encourage you to make sure that you look for the right kinds of help right kinds of specific trauma-informed therapy can be really helpful in overcoming these symptoms hope this is helpful you guys have a great day thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like and subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question i'd be happy to answer it for you [Music] you