What Is The Difference Between Shame, Guilt & Remorse?

what's going on you guys Tyler wandering therapist here I'm out here on a beautiful hike this morning temperatures probably right about 60 degrees the trees are starting to kind of get their leaves growing on on these bright colored leaves just really beautiful you can kind of see just just awesome it's a great day today sure does something for motivation to get out and experience this kind of nature in some ways but I wanted to just answer a question today this question comes from William thanks William for answering for asking your question and it's a great question that we talk about a lot but we haven't talked about recently and I got a few extra thoughts on the topic so the question is what is the difference between shame guilt and remorse and I like this question because we talk a lot about the differences between shame and guilt we don't often add in things like remorse or I'm going to add in a few other things embarrassment or humiliation so I thought maybe it'd be a good day to just talk a little about each one of those and how some of those other things can actually be ways to move into shame resiliency in the way that you're living your life and how you manage your shame so we all know that shame itself is this kind of full body emotion that that shuts us down and the and the emotion is tied to a belief that says I am basically blank I'm not good enough I'm bad I'm unlovable I'm unworthy I'm a failure whatever that belief is inside of us it then takes over our body and it wants to close Us in it wants to shut us down and shame is the definition of ourselves as something wrong with me to the point that nobody would love me so that's the definition of Shame guilt would be I've done something that I don't like and I feel bad about it but guilt is actually a good emotion it's a motivator it allows us to go realize that maybe things are a little out of whack with us and give us a chance to make a different choice and to course correct so guilt itself is not a bad feeling even though it feels bad sometimes and I think remorse kind of falls in the category of guilt a little bit where true remorse is where I realize that I've done something that I wish I didn't do that doesn't line up with my values that probably has affected somebody else and remorse is that motivating feeling that says I don't ever want to do that again I wish I could take that back and it it can drive you to go and make amends or to make course Corrections or to make changes in your life the same as guilt does I think you're asking the question possibly because a lot of times especially if you're working recovery your partner wants you to be able to show up and show real remorse for the things you've done and a lot of times I think especially a lot of the people that I work with especially a lot of the men that I work with they think that showing up in shame is the same thing as showing up with remorse and it's not shame is actually a disconnector and it doesn't help the relationship where remorse actually is because remorse comes with some hope and some commitment to course correction and some willingness to change even though sometimes the things you've done you can't actually fix yourself we also could talk a little bit about embarrassment embarrassment is about I have done something that I don't feel really good about but it's the kind of thing that lots of other people do and it's kind of a human thing so I can feel bad about it I can wish it didn't happen but I can normalize it to the condition of Being Human and when I can normalize it to Being Human then it doesn't convert itself into shame and I can move through it and I can move on from it eventually and then we have also humiliation and humiliation is what happens when something has gone wrong and I could turn to shame and think that it's about me and that I'm not good enough or something's wrong but instead I realized that it was the outside factors that are also partly at play and I can assign responsibility to the proper places so if somebody comes by me today and says Tyler like you have massive ears and I get embarrassed by that that's one thing or I feel ashamed by that that makes me somehow defective and Unworthy of love that's another thing or humiliation would say oh that was kind of rude of that person to say that I wonder what's going on in their life I allow myself to actually let them take ownership for their comment instead of me to find myself by their comments so that's humiliation humiliation is a really good tool to use to practice shame resiliency when there's situations that aren't 100 sent your fault so you have your wife get really mad at you for something you own what you can that you did wrong but you can't own the fact that her response was her response that's still her choice and so the humiliation could be the part that's like I wish she would have said those things differently instead of letting those things Define you the way that they did hopefully that's helpful for you guys today thanks again for the question keep asking them if you have them I'd love to answer them so thank you guys thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like And subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question I'd be happy to answer it for you thank you [Music]