“Her Husband Is Threatening to Make Our Affair Public” + What To Do In This Situation

foreign wandering therapist out here on a beautiful winter morning it's actually Springtime but it feels like winter again we've got some sunshine coming up finally to light up these clouds it's been kind of foggy but uh just here wanted to just answer a question we've been getting some questions submitted and I just wanted to share a question and answer it for you hopefully it'll be helpful this one has to do with what to do when you're in some ways your secrets or your struggles are being threatened to be produced publicly for people to see so I'm just going to read the question we'll have a little bit of a discussion about this it says I had an emotional affair two years ago my wife and I have been working through a lot of recovery and a lot of things I'm in recovery however the husband of the woman that I had the affair with has texted my wife and said that he's going to tell everyone what happened this has brought my actions back to the front and center with my wife any help navigating so number one good job being in recovery I know that this process is hard if you've been working it for a couple of years you and your wife have inevitably been through some ups and downs and been through some struggles and the fact that you're still working it says something about the process that you're engaged in number two I think it's normal to have some of this stuff sort of come back sometimes and as uncomfortable as it is it almost seems unfair in some ways because you've gone through some really hard work to make some changes in your life and you feel like you should be reaping the reward and some of those things from the past are still chasing you and it can be really really frustrating on one hand on the other hand it's also kind of part and parcel of the process where a lot of times those things do chase you until you can kind of make peace with them and one thing that I would just offer to you to think about is it sounds like there's a couple of layers to this the one is is that nobody likes to have their stuff put out in public and if if that does happen that will be unfortunate because it's probably being done from a place of vindictiveness instead of a place of a desire to help and so that's something you but that's also something you don't have total control over so if that does happen it will be scary in some ways but in other ways I promise you that it has the possibility to be liberating because you will have nothing that you feel like you have to hide when those things come to light and once you get through the first wave of like emotion and people's judgment whatever else you're going to realize that you're going to survive and you're also going to realize that you're much more free to just go about doing things the way you want to I had a client a long time ago was very public in in how things were put forward in the things that he was doing and at first he thought his life was over his career was over everything else but what ended up happening is it actually became something that became a strength to him in the long run because he had people come out of the woodwork to support him in some ways and then it also sifted through other relationships that he realized he had been putting energy into that probably weren't the right places to build relationships that were going to be supportive moving forward so on that front you know as scary as it is it could be an actual blessing in disguise in some ways if if they did that because then you're just free to live your life and continue to work your recovery in an authentic way like it sounds like you already are on the second layer this is more of a relational question I think you were asking is that you're thinking man I've been doing this for two years we're starting to get better and all of a sudden my wife feels like she's back in the same place that she she was before where she's having all those hard feelings come up again she's being reminded of all of the terrible things that happened and in a lot of ways I feel for your wife like that's too bad that she's feeling those things it makes sense that she would be and that she is and it feels maybe like you're taking like you've taken all these steps forward and now you're starting right back from the beginning but remember that you're not actually starting back from the beginning the work that you have been doing is still the work that's been done you're a different person today she's a different person today than she was two and a half years ago this is just more of a a bump in the road than it is a restarting it's just a chance for you to go back and to continue to practice empathy understanding patience but then to also let the work that you've been doing shine through because it's going to be contrasted against that old memory of things your wife and yourself are going to get snapshot pictures in some ways of the changes that you've actually made over the last couple of years because of this reminder of things that has been brought forward so I know it's frustrating I know it's hard it's also okay it's an opportunity to practice some of the skills that you've been learning with empathy and patience and and I know that you're going to be able to get through it so I hope this is helpful I'm proud of you for the work that you're doing and and I wish you the best of continued luck thank you so much for being here with me if you found this to be valuable for you please hit the like And subscribe button if you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into please submit a question I'd be happy to answer it for you [Music] thank you [Music]