How to Have Stronger Relationships With The G.I.V.E. Skill

If you want stronger relationships, remember “The G.I.V.E Skill.”

What's going on you guys? Today we're talking about relationship skills and how to build deeper connection with the people that you love the most. We're going to be talking a little bit about a skill called “The G.I.V.E. Skill.” This is a skill that comes from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which was founded by Marsha Linehan. This skill is focused on increasing Intimacy in our relationships.

We often interact with people for a number of different reasons. One is to get things we want. Two is to maintain self-respect. The third, and maybe most important reason for most of us, is that we're looking for deeper connection and security and love in our relationships. And this skill, The G.I.V.E. Skill that we're going to talk about today is geared towards that.

So, The G.I.V.E. Skill is an acronym. We're going to use every letter as a reminder of a particular skill that we can use in building our relationships with people. And these can be used in almost any setting, whether it's at work or whether it's home or if you're talking about a hard topic with somebody, these can be really beneficial skills to use if you want to keep the primary focus on building and sustaining in the relationship

So, the first letter to The G.I.V.E Skill is “G.” It stands for gentle. We need to remember to be gentle in the way that we treat our relationships. I heard a talk one time that referenced a family who would clean their mom's silver. Twice a year, they'd polish it and buff it out really nice and they'd only use it like twice a year. And one of the children went to the father one day and said, “Dad, why do we why do we polish the silver when we only use it twice a year? Why do we polish it so much?” The father's response was, “When you want something to last, you treat it differently.”

And in a lot of ways, this is what the “G” in gentle means in relationships. It’s that when we want something to last, we treat it differently. So, even under a hard topic, we need to remember to be gentle in the way that we bring up those topics.

The “G” for gentle goes along with a skill that John Gottman uses called Softened Startup. And what that means is that when I'm going to start a conversation with somebody, if I want to have a chance of being most successful with that conversation, I need to soften my startup.

Meaning, that I might step in, instead of at a harsh level of saying, “I can't believe you just did this thing!” You might soften the startup and say, “Hey, I'd love to be able to talk to you about something If you got a minute.” Or, “Hey, there's an issue that I'd really like to talk about. When are you going to be able to have a conversation with me about it?” Something that's a little bit softer, it allows the physiology to stay down, which allows the connection to stay stronger. So, “G,” be gentle.

“I” take interest in the person that you're actually interacting with. A lot of times this can come in the form of just simple body language—eye contact, leaning in, open posture, asking the right kinds of questions. People like to know that you care about them and once they know that they're cared about, they're much more likely to also want to be interested back.

You know, my mom always used to always say, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” That's what this “I” in interest is—take interest in the other person. Actually, get to know them. Learn about their world. Be curious about their world in the whys of how they operate the way that they do.

The next one, “V” is validate. Validate does not necessarily mean agreeing with somebody. What it means is that you're showing that they're important enough to have been listened to—and that they're important enough to have been listened to in a way that you can also show them that you understand where they're coming from.

So, validation is something that we all crave. We all want in our lives. It's as if we’re…we become valid. That's why it's called validation.

Think about going to the parking lot garage and getting your parking validated. What does it mean? It means that they're showing that you went where you said you were, at the mall or whatever, and that you did what you said you did. And you become validated in your parking pass, right?

It's the same thing with us emotionally. When we get validated by others, we feel more connected to them. We feel more open to them. We feel a deeper level of intimacy with them.

The last one “E,” is to maintain an easy manner. This is all about body posture, deep breaths, try to soften the muscles in your face. A lot of times, when we get into tense conversations with people, we tighten up around our necks, around our chest, and in our face areas. And if we can take a few deep breaths, soften our posture, open our posture. keep your arms open, your body open—a lot of times we want to close off if we start to feel vulnerable or some type of tension or anxiety. Soften all of those things.

Remember that energy is contagious and if we bring a softer, easier energy, we're more likely to also put the person at ease that we're talking with, which allows us to have a better chance of having the right kinds of conversations that are going to be productive and connecting.

So, remember, if you want a closer relationship with somebody to remember to G.I.V.E. in your relationships. Thanks guys. Have a great one.

Thank you so much for being here with me. If you found this to be valuable for you, please hit the like and subscribe button. If you're facing particular struggles that you need help with or roadblocks that you're running into, please submit a question. I'd be happy to answer it for you.